Dell's Canadian Tails

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Dell on Knowing When to End It

It has been an absolutely gorgeous day here at the lake. I was sitting on the dock with Dorg, thinking about my rule for knowing when to end a relationship: business, friend, spouse, children, acquaintances, strangers...doesn't matter.

My rule is this:  If there is no love in it, end it.

Let's use the example of a business relationship: How does love come into business? you ask. Okay, substitute the term "goodness" for "love", since goodness is a form of love.
You are in a business relationship. Over some months, you realize that your associate has a behaviour that is somewhat self-serving. Do you end the relationship?
...what if this self-serving behaviour clearly feeds something emotionally undeveloped in them?
...what if others or yourself are getting hurt?
...what if, having spoken to your associate regarding this behaviour, having pointed out it is hurtful to yourself or others, the associate still persists. Just when should you end the relationship?

We all want to be liked and, when it comes to a spouse or family member, a decision to disengage can be difficult. So how does one know when to end it? As my mother [and probably your mother] always said, "It's all fun and games, until someone loses an eye." Yet, it is not always necessary to disengage or end a relationship, even if someone is getting hurt. In fact, being patient while another person processes is a normal part of human relationships. We should be as patient with others in this regard as we hope others will be with our own failings. It is inevitable that even those who love us will hurt us. Just because we identify the other's behaviour as self-serving isn't necessarily a call for action.

It's the intent behind the behaviour and the resulting effect that need to be discerned, and it is at this point I apply my rule. I absolutely must disengage as soon as I realize that there is no "goodness" to be found anywhere in what is going on: the other person is engaging in a behaviour which has no "love" in it, nor any hope of love. Even if I were willing to put up with whatever is going on, I must not participate and I must disengage. By applying my rule I find I am able to make a decision without too much difficulty.

One thing is certain: No amount of love you bring to a relationship will have any effect whatsoever if there is no love there, excepting your own.

Dell on Richard Fadden & Air India

Richard Fadden, head of CSIS, revealed his concerns, with Canada's national security, to Peter Mansbridge of the CBC.  John Iveson of the National Post wrote the following:

"The most likely explanation is that Mr. Fadden sees himself on a mission to shake Canadians from their complacency over threats to their national security and has just learned the hard way why previous CSIS directors have stayed in the shadows." See: National Post: John Iveson on Fadden for the full article.

If it is any comfort to whistle blowers everywhere, you have your admirers, including myself.

Mr. Fadden is now in the same boat as Richard Colvin, who daringly spoke up on the torture of Afghan detainees. Confronted with the choice to do the right thing or the convenient thing, those who speak out should receive our full attention.

When the whistle blower is then made to retract part of all of his statement, I might wonder what is behind the retraction, but it rarely leads me to conclude the original statements were anything other than the truth.

That Richard Fadden's revelations coincide with the report on, and another anniversary of, the Air India bombing, seems an unlikely coincidence. Timing is everything in politics. Why now, Mr. Fadden? Is there something more you're trying to tell Canadians? I'm listening...