Dell's Canadian Tails

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Dell on Dating Sites & Fishing

The things I learn from my grand-daughter never fail to amaze me.  Last week I discovered she has a profile on one of these dating web sites. Apparently, she has been at it for some time. I might never have found out except she'd been out here for a visit and used my computer. The next day when I went to listen to music on youtube, up pops a message: have you gone fishing today?

Hell, yes, I went fishing, but why was the computer asking me? Surely cookies couldn't tell what I was up to on the lake.

It was like the breast situation [see my post: Dell on Getting It]. No matter what I tried, I could not get that question to stop popping up every time I went to youtube. Shelley came out to camp to rectify the situation and confessed she had checked her fishing messages on my computer. She assured me she was extremely cautious before meeting anyone in person. Moreover, she said she had no difficulty telling a keeper from a release and went on to name several nice young men she has brought out to camp over the last couple years.

Did I want to sign up? I told her I prefer to choose my own waters, and that was fine with her. Now here's the interesting part: she starts telling me about an unusual phenomenon [her words] that is currently going on at this fishing site. Expecting to hear something lurid, she threw me for a loop when she next asked if I remembered when she first came to stay with me.

Of course I remember. I had always told Shelley that if things got too bad with her mother's drinking she could come and live with me. The day finally came with  a telephone call from the child protection agency where her mother was living at the time. My daughter, Shelley's mother, had been arrested. The live-in boyfriend had tried to get friendly with Shelley. Her mother had been drinking and caught him at it: grabbed a kitchen knife and cut him just enough to send him to hospital. This worker from the agency was fine with Shelley living with me, but wanted my word I would see she got counselling. The worker was worried she had been traumatized. I didn't ask whether she meant just then or all her life. I agreed to the counselling, no problem.

I know today that Shelley really did need to see a professional. The psychiatrist at the time thought there were indications she suffered from a psychiatric disorder: BPD, standing for Borderline Personality Disorder. I did some research on the matter and could see they had a point. While the description fit her mother to a tee, Shelley was still young and was not exhibiting as many of the behaviours as her mother. She had difficulties with her self-image, emotional reactions and the like. The part I read that described BPD women as being afraid of being abandoned and having numbed emotions was an accurate enough description of the young woman I picked up at the airport eleven years ago.

Shelley got the help she needed: the first years she went to Al-Anon for teens, talk therapy sessions for her BPD and counselling, too. She read self-help books until they were dog-eared. The past four years she seems pretty much able to manage her own life. I had more or less forgotten that original diagnosis,  until Shelley brought it up. 

"Remember when the psychiatrist said I had BPD issues. Well, I sort of stumbled into the men's forum at this dating web-site, [yeah, right] and discovered the men were discussing signs of BPD among women."

"Back up, " I said, "I'm confused. What are these men doing?"

"They are posting messages, the dating site...about what to look to spot women who exhibit signs of Borderline Personality Disorder. You know, clingy, needy, fearful, which medications to look for and so on. These guys either don't want women with histories like my own, because of the emotional relationship difficulties associated with it, or they are targeting this type of woman for short term sex without commitment."

"Can they actually spot these women?"

"Sure they can. I know you can, so why wouldn't they be able to? It's pretty obvious if you know what to look for."

I recall thinking at the time what shit heaps we men can be  but before I could get the thought into words, Shelley continued,

"What fractures me, Grampa, is these men have profiles saying they want to meet someone wonderful. What about me? ...sure I have stuff I have to keep on top emotional triggers and all that...but with posts like that I'm wondering if I shouldn't just quit fishing there, period. It's sort of like dropping a rock in the lake before putting your line in the water. Ruins the fishing. "

She then gave me a refresher on how to use my tools and options to delete things and how to change my settings to keep my computer free of pop-ups. Shelley is not only a beautiful person inside and out, she is one smart young lady. Any man she feels is worth considering will certainly be welcome around my bon fire. I just hope I live long enough to meet the man who lands her.

I'll post again later on this weekend's activities.

For those of you who want to read more on the subject of BPD, I recommend Canadian author, A. J. Mahari's book for Kindle The Legacy of Abandonment In Borderline Personality Disorder available in other formats, with additional materials, through Ms. Mahari's website.